atkins

Those Damned Gay Penguins

After reading about militant homosexual penguins, I came across a horrifying bit of information:

Then in 1999, Bruce Bagemihl published "Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity" (St. Martin's Press), one of the first books of its kind to provide an overview of scholarly studies of same-sex behavior in animals. Bagemihl said homosexual behavior had been documented in some 450 species.

Given the imminent danger that these species' behavior poses to our species, I would like to propose a Constitutional Amendment to ensure that these animals do not receive "special rights" under the Endangered Species Act. Avoiding extinction has historically been the domain of heterosexual animals, therefore we should not allow these sexual deviants to undermine our evolutionary values.

Hey, that sounds interesting, but satire's a bit more difficult and I'll have to play with this.

Allowing the militant homosexual penguins to have special rights under the Endangered Species Act is a slippery slope that will eventually lead to dogs demanding the right to have sex outside of their species.
Biologists have long recognized the important distinction between male and female in the animal kingdom (except in certain varieties of earthworms, African frogs and numerous biologists).
Nowhere in our Constitution will you find the phrase "ensure special rights for militant homosexual pengiuns."

I could have a lot of fun here if I can work this out. Any and all suggestions welcome!

I propose that we remove any mention of penguins in our nation's school textbooks. These creatures and their immoral ways threaten our way of life and will convince our children that homosexuality is natural!
Clearly, you are nothing but an apologist of the homosexual penguin agenda.

Now I know why they waddle. Goddamn flightless horndogs.
Although this does explain why they are always so well-dressed....
you know, the whole "tuxedo" thing.

Yeah, those militant homosexual penguins are always well-dressed and always have great hair.