Ovid (publius_ovidius) wrote,

Ovid Interviews Sarah Palin

Ovid: Sarah, thank you for joining us today.

Sarah: Thanks for having me on your blog. wink

Ovid: Sarah, I know you're usually not asked about computers, but have you been following the Apple "whyPad" story?

Sarah: Of course, Ovid. I follow all of them.

Ovid: I've been struggling to understand Apple's "whyPad" and were hoping you could shed some light on this. Do you understand the "Jobs Doctrine"?

Sarah: Sure! People need jobs and death panels to kill off surplus unemployed isn't what the American people want!

Ovid: I'm sorry Sarah, I wasn't clear. I was referring to Steve Jobs. Do you understand his doctrine?

Sarah: Oh, him!

... long pause ...

Ovid: His doctrine?

Sarah: Right! wink I understand what he's trying to do. The American people want real, fundamental change with computing and open source computing means that terrorists can write software that tubes your credit card bill to Somalia for the pirates to pay off. That further engenders a change to the American way of life and our founding fathers wanted secure tubes. That's not what the American people want. They want honest change.

Ovid: So, do you see a fundamental need for this technology when anyone can buy a more powerful laptop computer which costs less money?

Sarah: Those laptops are made with foreign parts! We need to buy American to keep our economy strong!

Ovid: But it has a Samsung CPU. That's made in Korea.

Sarah: CPU was soooo cute in Star Wars! And that's the sort of feel-good American movie I want to see Hollywood make more of. Hollywood is full of liberals who want to undermine the American way of life. Except for Mel Gibson. He's a real American.

Ovid: Actually, he's Australian.

Sarah: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. The Brits do what we tell them to anyway. We have a special relationship, you know.

Ovid: Since you are worried about the American way of life, would you support a bill restricting foreign influence in US elections?

Sarah: Sure! Everybody knows that foreigners are just jealous of our way of life and want to destroy it if they can't move here. We need to keep America American!

Ovid: So you'll support the bill the Al Franken introduced to implement just such a restriction?

Sarah: Of course not! I mean, I haven't read the bill yet, but Al's a Democrat and they're real good saying nice sounding sounds which actually have a double entendre. Not that Al's not a great guy; he just doesn't have America's best interests at heart. And I want to say that I don't appreciate your question, it's just the sort of gotcha journalism that we need to stop!

Ovid: Fair point. So moving on, are you planning on running for the Presidency in 2012?

Sarah: Ovid, I'm flattered that you think I'm worth considering, but really, it's premature for me to think that far ahead. I just need to spend time listening to real Americans and get a better sense of how we need to progress forward. That's why I'm so honored to be a commentator on Fox News and that I can tell real Americans what we need to do. And besides, I heard there are inconvenient laws regarding me running for the Presidency while being a paid commentator. winkwinkwink

Ovid: Do you have something in your eye?

Sarah: Just a tear of love for the American people.

Ovid: Turning to Alaska, how do you feel about Ted Stevens conviction for apparently receiving bribes?

Sarah: I know Ted and I know he cares a lot about the Alaska Republican Party and I'm shocked to hear about this. I think he probably just forgot to keep his receipts.

Ovid: So you think he's innocent?

Sarah: Well, you know what they say. He buttered his bread and now he has to lie in it.

Ovid: Hey, that was pretty clever.

Sarah: What?

Ovid: Thank you so much for your time, Sarah. Do you have any final thoughts you'd like to share?

Sarah: I love this country and I love the American people. Unfortunately, President Hussein Obama is pushing his bolshevik Muslim agenda on the American people and we need to see through his threat before he destroys our way of life. Oh, and we need more civility in US politics. People are tired of the socialist Democrats insulting everyone. They call us the "party of no", but the American people know we need straight party-line votes against anything the Democrats propose because they don't have America's best interest at heart.

If you liked this, you might also like Pulp Media Fiction.

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