Ovid (publius_ovidius) wrote,

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Ovid's Real Astrology

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Stop using your perceived extroversion as an excuse for being an asshole.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Explaining at length to the street preacher with the odd stain on his pants why his being a Taurus is the reason for his being a proseletyzing asshole will make you a bit of a hypocrite.

Gemini May 21 - June 20

As always, you are incredibly sexy, intelligent and a tad arrogant. You are also prone to a bit of a tipple while writing astrology sendups[1].

Cancer June 21 - July 22

Inability to distinguish between anecdotes and data could lead to your downfall.

Leo July 23 - Aug 22

Discovering that your creative, generous and passionate nature is, surprisingly, a self-belief held by most people could lead to a loss of self-esteem. Do not question things too deeply.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sept 22

Due to the precession of the equinoxes, Virgo is no longer aligned with the constellation. Everything you believed about yourself is a lie.

Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22

Your manipulative nature as determined by the gravitational pull of the moon when you were born is fortunately offset by the gravitional attraction of the stainless steel operating table you were born on, as determined by

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21

You are ruled over by Mars, and are thus heavily influenced by the god Nergal. Do not allow yourself to be troubled by the differences between Western and Babylonian astrology as this is merely a sinister plot to confuse you.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Jupiter rocks your world. Today is a good day to ponder why astrologers didn't discover the outer planets.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Troubled times are ahead. Use confirmation bias to bolster your usual shrewd and authoritative tendencies.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

As the 5th Dimension overwhelms your senses, contemplate that you only have six centuries to go before the Age of Aquarius begins. Unless you follow astrologer Dane Rudhyar, who believes it will start about five decades from now. Whether this means spiritual enlightment or better Hair will be for you to decide.

Pisces Feb 19 - March 20

Many people born under the sign of Pisces appear gullible. There is a reason for this.

1. By merest coincidence, your author is also Gemini.

Tags: funny, pseudo-science
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