Ovid (publius_ovidius) wrote,

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Riding in the elevator (er, lift) this morning, I couldn't help but notice what incredibly high heels that incredibly short girl was wearing. She was maybe 4'10", but 5 inches of that had to be heel. And she was buxom enough I idly wondered how she stayed upright, but I digress.

I found her shoes interesting because I was thinking about shoes, for some strange reason.

A while ago I was having trouble finding shoes.

No, I lie.

A while ago I was having trouble finding anyone in any shoe store who wanted to sell me a damned pair of shoes.

Typical British service, I might add. It's either fantastic or shite (I'm hard-pressed to think of a better time for this word). There is no middle ground. Shoe store salespeople inevitably do not fall into the fantastic category. I'm pretty sure it's in their interview process.

Interviewer: How are your customer service skills?

Applicant: They're fantastic!

Interviewer: Next!

And this is how I found myself in at a shoe store named Aldo, staring at a gorgeous pair of shoes and, despite the fact that the store was packed, the salesperson was very helpful. He was friendly. I couldn't believe it. Was I really buying shoes? Had I taken the tube to America by mistake? Had he lied to the interviewer?

And damn, those were nice shoes. They fit well, they looked sharp. I took them up to the counter.

"That will be £200, sir."

Excuse me? I hadn't thought to check the price. I just wanted those shoes. I checked the price tag then and yes, they were £200. There's been no mistake made (by the cashier). I've spent hours going through shoe stores, getting frustrated with being aggressively ignored and now I understand why they were so nice to me in this shop.

I still can't believe I'm wearing those shoes.

I now have one pair of running shoes (£90) and another pair of dress shoes (£70), for a grand total of £360 spent on three pairs of shoes. Over $700 US. On three pairs of shoes.

How the fuck did that happen? Admittedly, a lot of that is the exchange rate, but that first pair alone was $400 US. For one fucking pair of shoes. But damn, these are nice shoes. Of course, it's not fair to compare exchange rates because £200 to you isn't £200 to me because that's the currency my pay checks are in. It's £200 relative to the British economy. But I never would have spent $200 on a pair of shoes in the US, much less £200. I think the most I've ever spent was $80 and that was on a hideous pair of white leather shoes that I'd rather not talk about.

However, I do have one saving grace. These Aldo shoes look good. Shoe fashion seems to be a big deal over here and if you've got a boot fetish -- pant, pant -- London's a great place to be. The thing I can't figure out, though, is the mukluk. Mukluks have got to be the parachute pants of the 00s. They have to be. Please. Tell me this fashion will die a horrible death and women will burn photos of themselves wearing mukluks lest anyone know of their secret shame.

She stands there, smoldering eyes, long hair blowing in the wind, red silk blouse opened over the swell of her breasts, caressing your imagination. Your eyes meet and ... you burst out laughing because she's wearing big, furry monster feet.

Seriously, it's like these young women have whipped out their acid tongues and slain cartoon monsters. They sever their morbid trophy of feet, pluck out the bones and shove their own feet in the holes. I have expect a touch of blood to dribble down the sides of these things.

Cartoon blood, of course. You really can't take these damned things seriously.

And for female readers, my humblest, if insincere, apologies if you wear mukluks and I've offended you.
Tags: funny, personal
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