Satan was a Lesbian

The Family Friendly Bible

Would someone please write a family friendly version of the Bible? You know, one with all of the sex and violence removed?

You can just post it as a reply. I'm sure it would fit within the character limit.
How's this?
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the Earth.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.
Re: How's this?
I think the religious right would object because many of them clearly don't feel that the grace of their lord should be extended to all.
Re: How's this?
Clearly they haven't been keeping up with their source material.
Re: How's this?
"Judge not lest ye be judged". Christians just can't seem to get this through their heads. Many seem to think we have to go out and shove it down your throat or you won't get that grace. Well, it's God's decision, not ours. I think I drove more people away from Christ in some cases when I was knocking doors and "Being the good little christian church goer" then I do now. I still love everyone and many of us have to agree to disagree and we're still great friends/siblings you name it.
I think I'll go out and buy one, then redact it with black marker.

Hopefully the ink won't bleed through the onion-page.
I am a christian and my brother Ovid knows this. It's not exactly romance novel stuff so what's the problem???? I had no problem letting my kids read it. Maybe I'm confused. That's not exactly news though. :)
I'm not saying there's any problem at all. However, there are an awful lot of hypocritical Christians who get awfully fussy over relatively silly issues. Sometimes they don't like cursing in novels, they object to nudity, they get upset over people reading classic literature that doesn't always agree with the Bible.

But what's in the Bible? God orders Abraham to murder his son. Turns out God was kidding, but what psychological torture is this? How about Lot offering his virgin daughters to be gang-raped by a homosexual mob? Lot was offered a one-way ticket to heaven. Lot's wife, on the other hand, glanced over her shoulder at the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and she gets turned into a pillar of salt. Later Lot's daughters get him drunk and fuck him. And have you read the Song of Solomon? Lots of erotica there.

I don't have an issue with the Bible per se. I have an issue with hypocritical Christians who ignore that the bible is a sex-filled gorefest.
Aw, c'mon! How can the fundies expect to indoctrinate the next generation without the psychological torture and threats of fire and brimstone? ;)
Already been done. See this. I'm told a fairly large number of Christians are quite taken with it.

BTW, that's an as-yet-unpublished special edition. The paperback has been out for years.
A family friendly version of the Bible as requested
'In the beginning.............Amen'