Worst. Typo. Ever.

I was chatting with a friend I'll call 'Alex' (reprinted with permission and one line cleaned up for privacy reasons). Alex promises he would never actually kill himself, just that he feels that way times. And even if you think you know who this is, I can guarantee that it's not who you're thinking of.

Alex: I do feel suicidal occasionally but that's not how I act.
Ovid: If you ever do get that way in the future, will you promise to kill me?
Ovid: call me!
Ovid: Shit!
Ovid: s/kill/call/
Ovid: Oh god.
Alex: LOL!!!!
It's just that whole we're-all-one trip. Suicide would kill you, as you are he, and he is me and we are all... well, to quote Bill Hicks:

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."
Don't know where else to put this Bill Hicks bit I love
"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

My favourite worst typo happened back in my gaming days and was rather more… accidentally salacious.

Back then I was in a Total Annihilation clan. The clan leader was a very strong player, but several others were close enough to make for interesting matches and an occasional defeat for him. Among them were the second best player of the clan and his girlfriend. Almost all of us, btw, were early twenties, except for a few late-teenagers. (Aforementioned couple later married, too.)

One night, there was (as often) a game with the couple on one side and the clan leader and someone else on the other. As it happened, the leader started closer to the girlfriend than the guy, and he decimated her early on. Then he and his teammate went on to grind down her boyfriend; he put up a good fight, but having to fend off two well-off opponents on his own, the outcome was inevitable.

After the game, there was, as often, discussion of tactics and mistakes. I do not remember what the clan leader said to prompt this reponse, but at some point the girl retorted:

> You always say that when you eat me :)

Ah, for want of one little “b”… :-)