Mechanical

Help me! Help me!

There's an interesting practice here at work. When we get new employees, a "welcome" card is passed around for everyone to sign. Presumably, if this doesn't install the necessary amount of cynicism in the new employee, they feel welcomed. Typically people write things like "Welcome, Alice. We hope you like it here."

I can't write that. I just can't. So when Bob got a new employee, I wrote something along the lines of:

Please don't take a pencil and
thrust it into Bob's left eye
after you've worked here for 
three days.
That wouldn't be nice.
Cheers,
Curtis

Give me other ways of greeting new employees!

Pubs
(Anonymous)
Isn't going down the pub the traditional greeting for new employees? Off the top of my head I think every employer I have every had has done that with me :-)

Adrian
Oh that is to funny!! How about welcome to the tiny mind farm? Or Welcome to the madhouse? LOL

Reminds me of a Dilbert strip where the boss takes a newcomer to Alice and asks her to show him the ropes. I bet you can imagine exactly what it looked like.

Somewhat related, I once signed a group birthday card that had Warner Bros. cartoon characters on the front. I signed it "I'm the good-looking one."

(I was asked which one was that, and I replied that I had always thought Marvin the Martian had a debonair flair).
"We all hope you're more durable than the last guy."

That's all I've got right now. Trying to think of more but it's almost midnight for me and I really shouldn't still be up.
I was tempted to write: "Run! Run now, while you still can" in the last one I was given to sign. It's honest, decent advice.