There's an interesting practice here at work. When we get new employees, a "welcome" card is passed around for everyone to sign. Presumably, if this doesn't install the necessary amount of cynicism in the new employee, they feel welcomed. Typically people write things like "Welcome, Alice. We hope you like it here."
I can't write that. I just can't. So when Bob got a new employee, I wrote something along the lines of:
Please don't take a pencil and thrust it into Bob's left eye after you've worked here for three days. That wouldn't be nice. Cheers, Curtis
Give me other ways of greeting new employees!