I called police information and found out that I need to send mail, the old-fashioned paper variety, to get the police report. It's a minimum of 21 days before I get the report. Calling down to the precinct reveals that the arresting officer can expedite this process. As it turns out, he's off until Thursday, so that's the soonest I can get a better idea of when to get the damned report.
For those who've called me a liar and really, really want to prove me wrong, you can order the "non-existent" report by sending a SASE and a $10.00 check or money order made out to Portland City Treasurer:
Portland Police Bureau 11 SW Second Ave Attn: correspondence Portland, OR 97204